Tapas: On Freedom & Self Discipline
Three months ago, if you asked me how I’d feel about a two month vacation, I’d probably be pretty stoked for all the newfound “freedom.” And, now, here we are, seven weeks into the COVID-19 quarantine, and yes, I know that a stay at home order is different than a vacation, but still, I have found myself struggling with what to do with all of the “freedom.” I can wake up whenever I want, eat whenever I want, watch netflix whenever I want. I can do whatever I want! So much freedom! What could be better? So, why do I often feel much less than free?
Well, the yoga practice teaches us that true freedom is not actually being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want. This is just the story of “freedom” that we get told by our mainstream Western culture. This is the way most of us have probably grown up thinking about freedom. But the yoga practice teaches us that this version of “freedom” is really just being bound by our own desires. Bummer, right?
Contrary to the way we have learnt freedom, yoga teaches us that true freedom is becoming unbound by our habitual and unconscious patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions; becoming untethered by our attachments and aversions, or likes and dislikes. True freedom is not dependent upon the opportunities or limitations of our external lives -it is a freedom that can only be found within ourselves. So, how in the world can do find it?
-First, notice our feelings - positive or negative - pleasant or unpleasant - enjoyable or uncomfortable;
-Next, let them be as they are - without needing them to change or stay the same, without wrapping stories around them, without reacting habitually and unconsciously;
-Then, respond consciously and intentionally - so that our thoughts, words, and actions reflect the reality of what is and the way that we want to transform ourselves and the world we inhabit.
Before you knock yourself down for being so unfree, let me just say that these three simple steps aren’t quite so simple after all. They truly take a lifetime of practice, and maybe then some. That’s why it is called the yoga practice. And this is not the practice-makes-perfect type of practice. This is just the practice-makes-practice type of practice, because as soon as we think we have “made perfect,” then we surely have much more practice to do.
So, how do we begin walking down the path of true unbound inner freedom? Through the practice of self discipline, often referred to in Sanskrit as tapas. This is the practice of pulling yourself out of bed to get on your mat, write in your journal, or go on your run, even though it is so warm and cozy under the covers and you are so sleepy. This is the practice of biting your tongue, so you don’t get in that same ole fight with your partner, even though you “know you are right.” This is the practice of eating what your body needs, even though it’s so comforting -for a moment - to eat your feelings away. This is the practice of learning not to take the path of least resistance.
Every time, you 1) notice your feelings, especially the negative ones, 2) choose to pause, and 3) respond intentionally, instead of reacting habitually, you are carving new pathways in your mind-body system. Every time, you practice self discipline or tapas- physically, mentally, or emotionally- you are becoming unbound - untethered - free.
I know this story of inner freedom is much less glamorous and perhaps less satisfying than the story we have been told, but it is a story that gives you the opportunity, in every single moment, to invoke your own self discipline, your own personal power of transformation, to (re)discover a deep sense of unbound, untethered, inner freedom. And with this inner freedom comes the space to be who you are.
My deepest gratitude to Michael Stone, the teachers of Yoga Bhoga, and the students who keep showing up, who have inspired this writing and who continue to inspire me on this path of yoga.
I would love to hear your thoughts / feelings / questions / comments, if any arise from reading this!